I competed in my first King’s & Queen’s Bardic Champions in 2013, and made it to the third and final round, along with 5 of my fellow competitors. We were each tasked with performing something to commemorate the “sainting” of Lord Robert, who had been “beheaded” before. In addition to that, I knew he was from Lochleven, married to Countess Marguerite IRL, “beheaded” for not paying taxes, and that he made tasty pulled pork and other pork. I had about 15 minutes, and I had never done a contrafact before. It was a very intense process, I learned a lot, and boy did I ever have fun. People even sang along by the end! The tune is a 13th Century English gymel, Edi Beo Thu, Hevene Quene. (my lyrics follow video)
Bold Lord Robert of Lochleven, was riding along on his best riding sheep
Through the woods he did travel, carrying pigs for the smoker that night.
All the bacon he would provide, and all the pulled pork goes right to our thighs.
Then Lord Robert he did arrive, at court without taxes to pay for his styes.
Then the mighty Baron roared, the headsman’s axe swung with a terrible fright,
Good Lord Robert’s head flew by, a look of surprise as it took flight.
All the bacon provide he did provide, and all his pulled pork went right to our thighs.
The Lord Robert he was no more, though a saint he was now by our King.
So Saint Lord Robert he came along, on St. Robert’s Day he still traveled along
Upon a herald he came along, and said, “hello I am Lord Saint Rober–”
“STOP! What are you trying to do? There no title-stacking, ever!”
So, Saint Robert a Lord no more, he traveled along looking for Boar.
Then Saint Robert he came upon, a dastardly black Knight with treacherous heart,
“Why the face and heart so long?” “I’ve not any clue I’m just really ticked off.”
“All the bacon can heal the soul, and all the pulled pork goes right to your thighs,
So go off and eat some now, and know the King’s tax is due tomorrow.”
So we’ve learned two important things, to eat all the bacon and not title stack,
Thank you Saint Robert we couldn’t without, pray to you for bacon and pulled pork.
All the bacon your sainthood provides, and all the pulled porks goes right to our thighs,
So to him on his Holy day, we raise up a porkchop and all shout Amen.